Irritated Much?

I am so tired of the Dr thing. I wish that they would just figure out what the heck is wrong with me or admit me or something. I don't know what i want them to do but it's killing me. I hate being in pain all the dang time and i hate that it makes me whiny. However, i just don't know what to do. Now, they think it's a gall bladder problem. I don't know what to think anymore. So please pray cuz jeez it hurts. The only way i'll make it through is with God's help. I'm at the end of my rope.

Poems that are HELPING me right now...

I found a website a little while ago that has some poems and things to help or express the pain of a miscarriage or relate to it. I like them a lot..here are a few of my favorites..


Please
PLEASE - don't ask me if I'm over it yet. I'll never be "over it."PLEASE - don't tell me he/she's in a better place. He/she isn't here.PLEASE - Don't say "at least he/she isn't suffering". I haven't come to termswith why he/she had to suffer at all.PLEASE - don't say "well, you're lucky...he/she would have been born with a lot of problems."Would you love your own child any less if they had been born with problems?PLEASE - don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have lost a child/infant.PLEASE - Don't tell me to get on with my life. I'm still here, you'll notice.PLEASE - don't ask me if I feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."PLEASE - don't tell me that "God never makes a mistake" or it was "God's will."You mean he did this on purpose?PLEASE - Don't tell me "at least you had him/her for _____yrs/days/months.Or "at least you have/or can have other children/babies.Or, "at least you know you can get pregnant."What year would you choose for your son/daughter/pregnancy to die/end?PLEASE - don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear.Who decides how much another person can bear?PLEASE - just say you are sorry.PLEASE - Just say you remember him/her or my pregnancy/our excitement if you do.PLEASE - Just let me talk if I want to.PLEASE - Just let me say his/her name without turning away or changing the subject.PLEASE - let me cry when I must.
by Rita Moran


When You Are Bereaved...
When you are bereaved... It is ok to...Scream in the shower,Yell in the car,Pound on the steering wheel,Cry anywhere you like.
When you are bereaved... It is ok to...Misplace little things like your glasses or car keys.It is also possible to misplace big things...Like your car.
When your baby dies... It is ok to...Still feel kicks,Hear a baby's cry when you are alone,Feel your arms ache,Avoid other peoples' newborns.
When you are bereaved... It is alright to...Get lost at the mall,Put milk in the cupboard,Put toliet paper in the refrigerator,Put ice cream in the oven.
When you are bereaved... It is ok to...Find a punching bag,Beat up your pillow,Throw stones in the lake.It is ok to...Talk to yourself,Talk to your baby,Talk to your pets.
After your baby dies...You can say "no" to others.You can cancel plans that you are not up to doing.You can have a bad day.
It is ok to hurt.It is ok to grieve...
From The Empty Arms Newsletter, March, 1999 in Erie, PA

The Future Holds Many Surprises

There was this quote that someone once shared with me. "Things are never as bad as they seem or as good as they appear." I'm not sure who said it but I can say that I agree with them. Things get us sometimes whether it be not having enough money or not winning that contest that you entered. Things just tend to build up and get us down. This week for me it's my kidney stone. Jeez Louise it hurts. I've had to do cat scans and all sorts of stuff. I hate it. So I let it get me down but here's the thing, everything that happens leads us somewhere. My miscarriage is giving me a 2nd chance to be whoever it is that God wants me to be. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes we think that the popular kids or the dorky kids have perfect lives because they are friends with everyone or have the best grades in school. However, don't you think that both of those things are very stressful? Who really wants the pressure of trend setting and having the best parties or getting A's on everything you do? Not me. So see the future hold many things for all of us. The popular kids usually aren't so popular and the nerds usually are some big hot shot and they have some big corporation to run or something. However, the average kids...they do lots of stuff too. We write poetry or are really good with computers or whatever and we have futures too but no one know what they are supposed to do until it hits them over the head.

Can't I move on already?

My name is Brittany. I am 18. My boyfriend calls me Snowflake. One of my friends just had her baby yesterday and I'm very very happy for her but today when I went to the hospital to see her and her new daughter it opened some very serious wounds. In September, I had a miscarriage and I really thought that I was doing well and most of the time I am but sometimes (like today) I can't do it and I want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. Serenity Hope was born on September 25th 2008. I was approximately 14 weeks along and it was probably the most painful thing that I have ever experienced. So while I was holding my friends newborn daughter I had all of the memories of all the things that I had planned to do with my daughter flood my mind. Satan was definitely attacking me. He was telling me that I was missing out and that I shouldn't be happy for her and everything. I am though. I'm sad for me but I'm happy for her. The thing is that just when I think that I'm okay, I fall apart. They tell me that the reason I lost my daughter was genetic. However, my mother (who helped me deliver my daughter in her bathroom at home) said that she looked perfect. That she looked just like a person only the size of Thumbelina. My heart aches for her now. I wish that I could have saved her. If God would have let me take her place that day I would have done it. I just want to move on. Remember, but move on. I loved her beyond belief already. She was my constant company. I just want to move on. It hurts. They said if I'd been at 20 weeks then they might have been able to do something. Wow, it kills me to think that we were so close and yet so far at the same time. I yearn for her more and more lately. I think it's because I'm getting closer to what would have been my due date (April 9th, 2009) and all of my friends seem to be pregnant. I wish I could have held her. Just for 5 minutes. I'm so sad today. I can't stand days like these. Can't I just move on already? I don't want to forget her. Just get on with my life and feel less pain. Is that too much to ask for?